at the start of the new year i went off my meds. it wasn’t a premeditated rebellion. it had more to do with a few days of puking by every member of the family. and then i just, well, stopped.

let me travel back in time for a second to explain my relationship with brain drugs. i first took zoloft back in 2009 after v was born. and it was miraculous. within an hour i felt like myself again. the postpartum depression, delirium, fog, psychosis lifted just like that. and i felt like i could laugh if something was funny. it was glorious. it was like getting glasses in fourth grade and being able to see the leaves on the trees. it was like falling in love. it was like cookie pie after fasting.

unfortunately, it never stayed that simple. at this point i’ve been on basically everything for a little while and have had all sorts of fascinating side effects: weight gain, memory loss, inertia, ennui, depression, racing thoughts, leg pain, restless legs, etc etc etc. it’s been two years of medication switching and i’ve spent most of those years wondering if it’s my disorder causing my brain problems or the medications.

anyway. i stopped my medication just after christmas. and i haven’t looked back. i’m managing my brain things in ways that work for me. i’m exercising every day. really watching my sugar intake. taking omega-3. taking truehope. and i feel really good. i know it’s too early to throw a remission party, but i feel really hopeful. [i wouldn't recommend that anyone with depression or bipolar stop their meds without a doctor's supervision.] i think that sometimes you have to listen to what your body is telling you. and my body really didn’t like brain drugs.

and i have to say, i went for a walk in the cool morning yesterday. and the sun was rising and poking through the mist. and the clover is covering the ground. and i heard a cardinal sing. and if that isn’t medicine, then i don’t know what is.