i have so much i wish to say in response to both myself and all of you who left such kind comments on my last post. i still struggle and muddle and weep at all of this. i think i will spend a lifetime getting to know myself. and learning how to help myself.

but since it’s Christmas, i have something else to say. all the flotsam and jetsam could easily drown us. but this week we celebrate the birth of a baby, and that baby grew up to heal the world.

my favorite words in perhaps all of scripture are found in romans chapter eight of the king james version of the bible. all our struggles are different, but carry in them the same fear and tremor of hope. the same testing of faith and personal mettle. and i find the apostle paul was a pretty eloquent guy on the subject.

the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.

i have rested in this scripture so often. when it has seemed impossible to pray. impossible to climb the walls of the depth of my mind. to think that even when we have no idea what to say, the spirit will make intercession. our own groanings which cannot be uttered will be passed on, and passed on intelligibly. what a gift. a gift that all started in a little manger in bethlehem.

and when, again, it seems too dark for light. when i have utterly lost my way. when i forget who i am and what pieces of my brain belong to me and what pieces belong to the disease, i find infinite hope in these words:

For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

and take note, it’s not glory revealed to us. it is glory revealed IN us. and all i can say is hallelujah. somewhere inside of me are the seeds, seeds of glory, seeds of peace, and at the end of all this madness, i trust and know and hope that God himself will strip from me all the bits of darkness. and what glory will be revealed in me. what glory will be revealed in you.

and all because one woman was able to say “behold thy handmaiden.” and because one man was born.

it is beautiful beyond beautiful. it is the reason i can keep going day in and day out.

so, celebrate the season. there is no greater reason to celebrate. the birth of hope means the end of fear for all of us.