quiet house
i’m staring down at my belly in a quiet house. i’ve already had a good cry today so now i can just sit and feel for a second. (ever burst into tears because it seems too hard to make lunch–too hard to convince henry to eat anything besides yogurt–?)
i don’t remember feeling so out of control before henry was born, but these past few days any time i think about how much longer before this baby is born, i want to give up. if pregnancy was an AP class in high school, i would drop out. if pregnancy were a class for a major in microbiology, i would take a W. if you could get through pregnancy by just doing the minimum and only showing up for the final, i would.
so, i’ve been trying to sort through all this dramatic despair. is it hormones? is it because i really can’t do it? i watch other women waltz through pregnancy, cheery and chipper, is it that much easier for them? or am i just really bad at pretending?
i find my mantra lately as i stagger home from the park or try to get henry to stop kicking me in the stomach while i change his diaper or as i get up every twenty minutes all night long to puke is “i can’t do this. i really can’t do this.”
i think i realized today that i’m not telling myself the truth. (women who are gaining between 4 and 8 pounds a week rarely tell themselves the truth.)
it’s not that i can’t do it, it’s that i can’t do it the way i imagine i should be doing it.
in my head it seems like i should spend all morning playing educational games with henry: taking him to parks and museums and petting zoos. i should be making nutritious meals and eating them and feeding them to joe and henry. i should be scrubbing the bathroom clean.
and i should be running to the door when joe comes in and kissing him. and i should have dinner on the table. and the toys should be put away and the floor vacuumed. and it should smell nice. and there should always be bread baking. and the laundry should be clean and put away. and i should be finishing a book and publishing essays and returning emails to people i care about. and i should be doing better at work. and i shouldn’t feel like crying.
but. the reality is: dishes are everywhere, laundry is everywhere, toys are everywhere. sometimes i make dinner, but more often i eat a bowl of mush and hope that the boys will eat enough crackers to satisfy themselves. henry spends an embarrassing amount of time watching television. (i think i will carry the guilt of this around my heart to the grave.)
maybe, just maybe, this is doing “it.” maybe doing all i can do is enough. maybe there is some grace that will come and fill in the cracks between the mother and wife i see in my head, and the one that’s sitting here aching and typing and tired and cranky.
and maybe henry will still get into college even though he spent nine months of his life watching clifford the big red dog.
Filed under life, motherhood |7 Responses to “quiet house”
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Jacob loves Clifford too…and hey he’s a good friend (that’s what PBS tells me anyway). I’m sorry you’re not feeling well. Pregnancy is a hard time. It makes me very cranky…just ask Brad. It’s hard when the image painted in our heads isn’t the same as what really happens. I never thought Jacob would watch as much TV as he does, but he loves it and I need “me” time, so it happens and I don’t feel guilty. You do the best you can and let Him take care of the rest.
me too. if only I lived downstairs or upstairs. if only we could sit on the couch together. if only we could go out for ice cream at 3 am because we are both awake anyway. i don’t know how my own mother did this 8 times, i really don’t know how anyone gets through being pregnant with a two year old. but we will get over this and maybe someday years from now we may even do it again. but I tell you next time I am buying the expensive mattress that lets your body sink into it. next time I am buying a gym membership and a nanny four, no five days a week so I can sleep, walk, sit, get my hair done and my toes painted and go to lunch… money can’t be happiness- its true but it sure could buy a lot of distractions;) Until that day I’ll just have to be ok with the dishes and the toys and realize that it is ok, because it is.
Remember when I had just had Grace and put her in front of the TV to watch repeated episodes of Baby Einstein? I have to say I felt very intimidated admitting that to you guys. But, hey. That’s how it is.
I can’t tell you enough how much I love this post. That was me–pregnancy and post-partum. Down to the crackers. One night Grace asked if we could have crackers again for dinner. I wasn’t brave enough to post that. Thanks for doing the whole thing for all of us who feel inadequate and so short of our own mothering ambitions.
“it’s not that i can’t do it, it’s that i can’t do it the way i imagine i should be doing it.” Truer words were never (or at least rarely) spoken! I think we all do this. We imagine how perfect and wonderful everything (and we) should be, but reality rarely measures up. I think every mother, or at least almost every mother — I can think of a couple who seem to have everything together in a freakishly perfect way — could have written almost the same thing (though certainly not as beautifully as you). And even the ones who do seem to handle motherhood and everything that comes with it with such ease have other challenges. It’s hard, this whole being a wife and mom thing. It’s supposed to be hard. Because it’s hard it makes us better. Better wives, better moms, better women, better people. We do the best we can and God makes up for the rest, and makes us better in the process.
Thanks so much for this post, Jessie. Do you mind if I link to it from my blog?
Jessie, wow this is exactly how I’ve felt since many times during pregnancy and since having my little babe, I just never could articulate it as well as you have — I feel like you channeled my feelings and wrote about it in the most compelling way. I wasn’t even sick really during pregnancy, –no puking as an excuse– just depleted in a way I couldn’t quite understand or come to terms with….I think in blogland we only show the “fun stuff,” so we all come off looking like poster Mormon Mommies, but the truth is I think we all feel a lot more like the way you described than the chipper enthusiasts we all post like. Its called denial.
I haven’t popped onto your blog for awhile and I have thoroughly enjoyed being inside your head for a few minutes. Congrats on all the interviews - but I am so sorry for the eager anxiety that comes along with trying to plan your future. As for having baby #2 - you are totally normal. I’m in the “pretender” category - but in all honestly, most of my days pregnant start out great and I have the energy to do everything I want to (which usually consists of going to the park because then I don’t have to think of anything to entertain the kids with, it’s built in entertainment. If I could rope someone in to going with me, even better because then I got adult interaction too). But by the end of the day, I feel sort of like you - exhausted and overwhelmed. And guess what, everyone’s dishes are everywhere and toys are everywhere, and the more kids I have, the more they are everywhere - oh, well. I like to just keep reminding myself how fun newborns are. Thanks for all your little insights!
High expectations, guilt and hormones make a volatile combination. I wonder who this mythical mother creature is, she who keeps up with housework, plays with her children, cares enough and has the money to buy organic everything? (I was perusing an Organic Baby book the other day and was shocked at all the household stuff we are supposed to worry about. My children will surely be enjoying couch-cushion cheerios and plastic toys and will be just fine).
I’m glad I checked in on your blog, I’d forgotten you were having another baby. I am truly enjoying Josie (at 6 weeks she still sleeps enough that I can accomplish my one chore a day… my own lowered expectations are helping me get through tired days).