i’m starting to feel large. not just large–but expansive. i feel as though i have the entire earth is sitting on my bladder. my skin feels like it’s going to simply peel apart, exposing my muscles, tendons, and adipose cells to the air.
when you’re pregnant shouldn’t you feel voluptuous? or blooming? or ripe? or something?
let’s just say it like it is. i feel fat. enormously fat. the kind of fat where it hurts to sit and it hurts to stand and rolling over is practically obscene. i know people say things like “look at that adorable belly” and “you look so great,” but i know they really mean “wow. you look fat.”
i blame angelina jolie for this. before it became so vogue for celebrities to give birth, the rest of us could wear tent shirts and sweat pants and hide in our house eating fruit loops. now there’s all this pressure. as if we didn’t push ourselves enough already, teaching our toddlers to read and paint impressionism, now we also have to look stylish instead of bloated. (i wonder if celebs like angelina pay to have their faces drained or something when they’re in the family way.)
there’s only one thing to make me feel better at a time like this.
pumpkins.
not just any pumpkins, giant pumpkins.
yes, i learned over the weekend while watching the most delightful documentary ever, lords of the gourd, that giant pumpkins can gain 20 - 50 pounds a day. you can sit in your rocking chair on the porch and watch that pumpkin gain weight. “did you see that, ma? another ten pounds! grab me a glass of buttermilk while you’re in there.”
it comforts my bloated legs to think that even if i gain 50 pounds (please, stop me from gaining fifty pounds) i will never weigh as much as a giant pumpkin. i won’t ever be a freak show at a circus… “watch amazing woman as she gains 20 pounds in front of your very eyes.” i will just be pregnant. and uncomfortable. my hips will hurt and i will have zits on my chin, but i won’t tip the scales over 1000 pounds. i won’t have children waiting in line to take pictures sitting on my back.
and that is reassuring… isn’t it?
When you come visit we’ll take you out to visit the giant pumpkin farm by our house that we passed today. I didn’t get a peek at any giant pumpkins, but there was a pretty rotund farmer…
You’re so funny, and we just went to a pumpkin patch today so I laughed even harder.
Ahhhhhhh!! Those pumpkin pictures were terrifying. And if feeling prego feels like that, then I’m frightened. Sometimes I feel like those pumpkins and I’m not even growing a baby.
But you. I’m sure you’re more graceful and beautiful than you feel … Hang in there, pretty lady.
yes! that’s exactly how I felt with Sal. I wanted to feel cute, I wanted to glow, but 50 pounds really felt like 50 pounds. It didn’t help when my student’s parents would say… “wow, you really grew this week!” On the other hand, no matter how fat I felt, I always thought all other pregnant women were beautiful. It’s because they are, you just can’t see it in yourself. It’s one of the crappy rules of the universe.
i think i live in denial. i always feel so beautiful and voluptious, and then find past pictures and say, “holy cow…who is thaat?”
and yes, how in the world do these celebrities do it? i mean, i gain weight all over. and when i say all over, i mean aaaalll over. arms, calves, pinky toes you name it; even my earlobes get chunky.
then again, i read the most depressing thing a few months ago. my sister-in-law gave me back ‘what to expect when expecting book’. i decided to peruse a little. ok, for 2 pregnancies i did not know this: you only need to eat 200-300 extra calories a day. what???? i usually ate about 700-1000 extra per day. depending on what the menu was! wow. that sucks. i don’t know if it will change how i eat next time though. i’m a force to be reckoned with.
Ah, Jessie! You make me laugh. When are you due anyway? You need to jump on the Mormon mommy bandwagon and get a family blog where you post pictures, have a ticker counting down to your due date or Hal’s next birthday, and participate in random get-to-know you games. Come on. Everyone else is doing it.
how about 60 lbs? at my apt this morning my dr. told me, in a very nice way- that he’s not going to look at my weight numbers anymore. tanks doc.
You are too funny! Just 13 days ago I felt that same way. YEAH! for the baby is here and I am not pregnant! Just now my neighbors are saying…We thought you were having twins you were so big! My answer..well the baby was nearly a 10 pounder!